Something it was about time I learned

So, a couple of weeks ago was Sam's 4th birthday...my parents were in town and I can't believe my kids are growing up, that was to be my next post. But, I can't find my camera, and I feel like writing about something else while it's on my mind, so here is my pictureless journal entry.

You see, becoming a Mom has been such a process. I started from ground zero really. When I was pregnant and then had my kids, I kind of just went into it. I felt inadequate, who doesn't, but I didn't even babysit. I'm accident prone and felt for my kids. Since then, I have had a whirlwind of growing up and emotions, but the weirdest one is realizing this is my life, and this is how it's going to be for a while. It isn't about me in the least bit anymore, except I have to do the right thing because it goes so fast. I have some conscious moments and I realize that this is probably really the best time of my life, but it's still a dream. I still think I can do all the things I used to do-work, maintain a lot of friendships, do crafts, have quiet time, date, read the classics,(maintain a blog :) ) and the list goes on.

A lot of times it's frustrating when my growing kids won't take a three hour nap and wait patiently and quietly while I'm on the phone, and I keep thinking tomorrow will be the day I'll do everything I want to do or even an hour or two of it.

I'm just now absorbing and realizing life has changed forever. Just now, I know I am a late bloomer, but my kids are 2, 4 and one on the way.... and I am just starting to catch on now. There will be times in my life for a lot of things, but it won't ever be the same, I have a new life.

I am not sure how to take this life or if I like it some days. There is so much work and it's really never done. I know work is never done, but there is more undone than ever, more dishes, laundry, and unkept friendships and guilt and so forth. It may seem important to go to bed with the dishes done and the laundry done and the toys picked up. But by the time the last child stops fighting it and finally goes to sleep, I have a few minutes only before I pass out. More dishes tomorrow morning and more guilt that I still haven't called this friend or thanked that person.

So what is my "aha" moment? Well, I will tell you what I just realized for the first time. You see I have copied a good idea of a friend of mine and have started not just to read the little books each night before bed, but to turn out the lights and read from a novel that doesn't have pictures. Bed time is no longer a rushed process so I can run onto something else, it's at an hour process and it's my night too. I tried The Little Prince, but wasn't so turned on by it, so, we are now half way through Charlotte's Web. And, I will tell you, it's amazing to see how the kids are enjoying it, especially Sam-he's ready for this. But my aha moment was when I was reading, looking up at Sam and Isaac watching me read and it occurred to me that I just don't enjoy the fleeting moment of pride in watching my kids grow, I was actually having fun doing this. I enjoy my job. I realize I can be happy and actually really like it. I like my job. It's fulfilling and fun. Taking care of them makes me happy.

You know, I don't watch TV much anymore. I tried tonight and I feel empty. I am not missing much, and I guess my really good friends will understand I love them. I don't have to like housework all the time and I can still get irritable some times. Some things will go undone. But I am still good, and happy, and my new life is good.

That's it.

Stacy